tonight was hard….really hard…..i wanteda drink really bad……VERY BADLY……
soi reached ot to the 2 people i love and trust out here. and almost blew that…..i melted down, it was like someone else took over…..unhappy thoughts filled my head and semd to become reality, when in all actually it was just in my head…..there is still a lil part that wants to belive them, but iknow its best to just let it go and forget it…..i made it through the night, still sober, and oneday stronger.
i guess you could say the other person was the addiction….
but i was informd i freak out a lil to much…”on the real” they said….in some ways, that hurt, but i can see where there coming from…………..(after reading the last sentance…i soudedkinda assholeish…not cool with that…)all in all the night smoothed out…i was able to dance a bit, i was around the people i love.
talk about fighting deamons……
:KarunaFire:
today made 98 days of sobriety
that means tuesday is99….almost triple digits….thats kinda a big deal for me….
my dreams have moments of me drinking in them, butthe funny thing about it is that i always notice im drinking and feel guilt for not staying sober…..strange right?
i can honestly say im proud of myself….i dont say it much…i actually dont say it at all really come to think of it….is that bad? does it matter?*shrug*
im in love…
like actuallyreallyin love….
my 100 days of sobriety also marks the one year spot of me living in california….its happend so fast yet feels like ive been here for a lot longer….
and latley ive been ondering what it is i am to be doing with my life….ihave a good job, but its not something i wanna do forever….at one point what i had goin in life with my job choice was timely….now….icant keep trying to re-live anything….and thats what i seem to be doing.so i ask the question….Now what?
can i make a carier outta fire performing?
to go back to school…but to do what?
where do i go ffrom here?
well i had a nice 3 hrs of sleep….now im up and cant seemto sleep…i belive im day 81 now of sobriety….i try and keep counton facebook but i dont always post the days…lifes diffrent now that im not drinking, i didnt realize just how much of a blur its made life and how much more of myself i was keeping from getting to know…i like me,i like me a lot actually, and life is a lot more beautiful then people give credit….
being in a relationship sober is new…..
i useto make fights about stupid things, and my insecurites were way outta line.
altho that lil voice that wants to tell me things that are negitive in the relationship is still there nagging abit but i now can tell the diffrance in that voice and MY voice.
im also reading the power of now and the tenth insight…. with my sobriety and these books, im really taking a step back and lookin at me…
im truly putting the things i read and stand for into “practice”
i have a lot of growing to do, im now 26, i still feel 20 most of the time, and look 19 lol
breath in
breath out
he doesnt know it, but my boyfriend inspires me a lot.
and helps me wanna stay sober, i mean there are a lot of reasons i wanna stay sober but he most def is a reason……
october will be a year that ive been living in california…go me! :)
anywho…i must try and get back to sleep.
gnight yall
:KarunaFire:
i havent tumbledin sometime i think….right now seems about as good a time as any.
i am curently 35 days sober from/of alcohol…tomorrow makes 36!
life as i know it has changed abit.
having a sober mind can do wonders it seems. i respond to situations diffrently, i carry myself diffrently,i even think diffrently now….that might not seem like to big a deal to some but, in my journyit has been.
i like me sober.
i was just recently gifted a car by my grandfather and dad, quiet the blessing i have to say. ive made new aquaintances. and i happen to be speaking to an individual ……….who is calling now…..*****
…ok well….:)
i have a new out look on things now…..it really feels like im waking up from some long dream or comma….its wierd….but cool.
i am most thankful for all things…..’
:KarunaFire:
11 days sober. what a feeling! i told a friend of mine that i felt as though im waking from a coma. not that ive ever been in one. but to be drunk everynight or most of the hours of the after noon depending on my work week,id say i had a problem….and it was like this before i moved to california.
in this small amount of time, ive viewed myself and my actions diffrently…..my thought prosses has been diffrent…..its a neat feeling. im more aware of my actions and the things i say…it really does feel like im wakeing from a deep deep sleep!
i painted a picture the first 6 days to help ease the time. i really didnt know what to do with myself and still kinda dont. hahahahaha!
ive picked up Eckhart Tollie’s The Power if NOW.
seemed the thing to do. :)
its sometimes hard to take myself seriousely….really….
thanks for reading.
Joshua
my art teacher once told me “when the horse dies…get off…”
little did i know how profound that statment actually is!
funny as it sounds it makes a point. when something is over, when something is no longer suiting you, even emotions you feel and ways of thinking become out moded. its time to let it go, move one, “get off the dead horse”.
i was in the shower this morning and my mnd was racing with “shoulda woulda coulda’s” and then i remeber those words. and it clicked.
life is so much more than the drama that comes along with it.
theres gonna be ups and downs, theres gonna be mistakes made and sometimes you may just misout on something but you should never get stuck in the “what woulda happend” mind set, you miss out on the present moment the NOW, and thats what we have, that is the gift. thats the true SECRET!
always rememeber to breath!
i say all this because im having to rememeber this.
im remebering how much more i am and you should know that you to are so much more. we are co-creatores in this life.
much love
(((HUG)))
:KarunaFire:
its been sometime since i last blogged and a lot has happend…well maybe not a lot but, i went to LA Pride which was my first AND marched in it! talk about goin all out. i mean if im gonna do it right i might aswell go all “out”. :)
ive moved backin with my dad….
when your life feels like youve plateaued….and you feel off. somethings gotta change. if it be your views in life, living situation, relationship(s) whatever, step back into alignment, and change where it needs to be changed.
when FEAR peeks out its head when that change is being looked into remember what fear stands for. False Evidence Appearing Real….
realign yourself with Love, be in the now, breath deep.
this is something im remebering.
ive found myself getting angry over nothing. being easly upset and irritated. the smallest things. KABOOM! explosion! then im left feeling bad for what i did. and THAT in itsself is not love.
NOT being in alignment with Love. and thats when things get hazey, get unhappy…forgetting Joy.
Joy is the natural state of Being, but we lose focuse on what is the gift of now. this momment this NOW.
every interaction with a person. from passing on the street. to a customer interaction, to a traffic thing. your mindset, your reaction ripples over your life. setting the stage for the next thing to happen. like a pebbel being droped in a still pool of water that ripple may create a wave SO huge!
what kinda wave do YOU wanna make?
:KarunaFire:
